It's that time of the year for parents of an 8th-grade student when you start to get acceptance letters from High Schools your kid applied to attend. It's not easy in today's world making "the choice" of which High School you will demand your child attend based on your own personal interests. Here's how I'm going about it during this anxiety ridden period with my youngest son, MoneySuck2. I suggest you do the same.
- Mr. Tony Kanigetacommit
- Head Varsity Coach & Director of Admissions
- Higher Level College Basketball Prep
I’m sorry for this late note regarding my son, MoneySuck2, who recently received his acceptance letter to Higher Level College Basketball Prep for the class of 2021. I realize now I should have been writing to you since I forced a basketball in his hands when he popped out of his Mother’s womb. As it turns out, MoneySuck2 has also been offered acceptance into the prestigious private boarding school, La Ludicrous High School for the Performing Basketball Arts. The school’s annual tuition with room and board is a reasonable $70,000 a year, however, we will still consider sending him to Higher Level College Basketball Prep since we are $69,999.98 short of being able to afford La Ludicrous. Know that I am willing to make any sacrifice for my son, except money. Due to this circumstance, we will consider sending him to your school under full scholarship to play basketball and possibly attend some classes under the following conditions. Knowing that you were a jock, I’m sure you won’t be offended that I put this in easy to read bullet points (that’s the thing in front of each item which designated each demand) so it won't be difficult to understand our request to meet these demands. We will need these assurances and guarantee’s, in writing, in order for MoneySuck2 to attend your institution.
- There will be a signing day, let's call it “The Decision”, televised event covered by ESPN where MoneySuck2 picks your hat over La Ludicrous in dramatic fashion.
- Even though he is only 4’-9” in height and a slow footed, lazy white boy with a basketball IQ slightly higher than his vertical leap, he will immediately be elevated to the Varsity team.
- Within four years, you will grow him to a minimum height of 6’-9”, 6’-11” with his fro and a wingspan of 7’-2”.
- You will train him to reach a 48” vertical jump by junior year.
- You will make sure he is popular with all the girls despite his limited “Game”.
- The geeks at your Steamlab will develop a “MoneySuck2” trademark basketball shoe of his design.
- He will be allowed an amount of school absences to shoot Nike, Viagra, and Muscle Milk commercials.
- During away games, he will be provided a private, chauffeur driven limo to and from the games with a fully stocked bar. If said game is over one hour away, he will be provided a hotel suite for the night at nothing less than a four-star hotel.
- He will be announced last for all home games complete with a light show introduction.
- He will be assigned the Jersey #23.
- He will be given twenty free tickets to all games.
- He will be on the cover of all game programs with his full biography on the back page.
- All unfavorable statistics such as turnovers and poor shooting percentage shall be stricken from all records.
- All games will be filmed and edited with an end of season edited compilation of his highlights. If there are none, you will hirer Industrial Light & Magic to superimpose his face on the real star of the team.
- All coaches are to call him by his nickname, Jumpman, and address him in a subdued, understanding tone of voice. No criticisms will be allowed or tolerated.
- He will be allowed to input his own designed plays which will feature him as the go-to guy.
- He will be named student class president in his freshman year.
- He will sing the national anthem at the start of all home games.
- He will be assigned his own, oversized private locker with a monogrammed leather chair.
- At the end of each year, he will be awarded the MVP, Most Improved Player, Sportsmanship, and Mr. Congeniality awards.
- The school will pay for all expenses for College school visits regardless of whether he qualifies to go there or not.
- He will be given a diploma even if he leaves school early to go pro.
- Each summer he will be given a high paying internship in which no real work is required and he can show up when he wants.
- Higher Level College Basketball Prep will arrange for a local car dealership to provide him a new Range Rover pimped out with tinted windows and 22” rims.
- Each year he will be given an all-expense paid trip to the NBA Finals and NCAA Final Four and be provided two floor seats for each event.
- The low grade moron vocational guys will build him a custom made oversized desk with attached leather chair for all his classes. The desk shall be carried by these vocational guys from class to class with him in it.
- The following full-time professionals will be provided at no charge.
o Strength & conditioning. coach
o Sports Physiatrist (he’s going to need it)
o Masseuse of Asian decent
o Ten private basketball instruction days with Michael Jordan
o A tutor to do all his homework and take his tests.
- Fully paid NetJets Share providing 50+ hours of flight time for travel to his AAU tournaments.
- Your commitment to lying to every recruiter about his unprecedented work ethic, unselfish play, incredible passing ability, 40’ three-point range, great teammate, humanitarian and all-around good kid he has been since day one of his High School “career”.
I’m sure you understand where were coming from since I’m certain you get these types of letters from delusional, my kids going to be in the NBA, parents all the time. However, this time it’s true, our boy is NBA bound!
Here's a picture of some of his stellar defense which stems from his Hoops philosophy; "Defense is just a place you stand around until you get the ball back", he know's where to stand.
With highest disregard,
Future NBA Parent