“I think I saw a mouse!” This is the phrase my wife hysterically screamed at me on what was day 1 of my great mouse hunt. While I’m no fan of rodents, my thought was that at least it was not a rat. In spite of my opinion, my wife demanded blood in spite of the fact she “Thought” she saw a mouse. How do you think you saw a mouse? It seems it would be self-evident but I guess not when you are suffering hysterical blindness. So in spite of the fact that a mouse is about 3,000 smaller than your average human, approximately 2,999 times smaller than my svelte wife, the hunt was on.
As with any directive from my wife, procrastination is not an option. I scurried to my favorite home improvement store to buy a mouse trap. To my surprise, there were at least 20 different types of traps with a multitude of ways to end the little vermin’s life. So as the great hunter that I am, I bought everyone except the human options since if this sucker is going to cause me to miss my eight hour a day addiction to SportsCenter it's going to suffer.
When I got home, I proudly displayed my array of traps to my wife. Some being the traditional medieval guillotine type trap, a little mouse house you can’t get out of trap kind of like that reality show Little House Nation but for mice, a sticky trap they apparently are not strong enough to free themselves from so they drag it around like a ball and chain until they die, etc. Game on my little friend.
Once I set all of the traps in the manufacturer recommended locations with the proper bait throughout my house. I used peanut butter, a store bought liquid bait in case the mouse does not like peanut butter and I even put the cream middle of an oral cookie on a few traps for the choosiest mouse. The waiting game was on! With my ADD at high levels, I eagerly anticipated a kill within a few minutes of setting the last of twenty-three traps. Little did I know that I was going to need the patience of Job and a shit load of ADD drugs and alcohol to get me through the hunt.
Days 1 through 7. Not a damn thing. I moved around the traps quite a bit to no avail. Still nothing.
Days 8 through 14. My wife saw the little sucker again. I’m starting to think she has mouse Munchausen syndrome by proxy since not one else has seen it and it appears this mouse is not happy with our offerings. Not a damn thing.
Days 15 through 21. I’m pretty sure this mouse is on a hunger strike the likes that only Gandhi could accomplish. However, on day eighteen by wife found a dead mouse, unfortunately, is was outside. I tried to tell her that must have been the guy since I have not sealed up every entry point into the house probably locked him out. The hunt is over but just for the hell of it but really because my wife was not buying my tale of “lockout” that we left them in place.
Days 22 through 23. We are having family over and still nothing in the traps. I feel as though my wife is starting to thinking I’m right about the locked out mouse but the reality is we are having guests over for a party so my Martha Steward wannabe has me take up all the traps. Done deal, back to Sports Center I thought.
Well, that was my great mouse hunt and all is right with the world. I have added the manufacturers of these mouse traps to my list of companies I would sue since how the heck can’t you get a starving mouse to eat any of that bait? I had my consumer product attorney ready to unload an onslaught of lawsuits. Then I smelled something, worse yet my wife smelled something. I just wrote the smell off for a day as the dog or one of my kids. Then on the next day, the smell was even worse. As we searched for the source, my wife found our uninvited guest perfectly guillotined in our traditional mousetrap, one that I apparently missed picking up. Success!!! The great mouse hunter has been vindicated. Unfortunately, my lawsuits have been weakened and I’m guessing they will defend themselves by saying that 27 days is a reasonable time for success. Obviously, they have never been married.
Do you know any other creative ways to kill mice? Let me know.