Don’t let the title panic you, my Jewish friends, it’s the final solution to Gun Violence. It is with great confidence that I have concocted a brilliant plan to reduce, if not end, gun violence in America.
In my Loco, Local blog post from last week, titled, Who needs to live in Englewood to call their area “Chi-Raq”?, I documented the astounding amount of gun violence just in my local neighborhood. Below is the current statics from The Brady Campaign to End Gun Violence for the entire nation.
In One Year on Average (all ages)
Over 108,000 (108,476) people in America are shot in murders, assaults, suicides & suicide attempts, unintentional shootings, or by police intervention.
32,514 people die from gun violence
· 11,294 people are murdered
· 19,992 people kill themselves
· 561 people are killed unintentionally
· 414 are killed by police intervention
· 254 die but intent is not known
75,962 people survive gun injuries:
· 55,009 people are injured in an attack
· 3,791 people survive a suicide attempt
· 16,334 people are shot unintentionally
· 827 people are shot by police intervention
Millions of guns are sold every year in “no questions asked” transactions. Experts estimate that 40 percent of guns now sold in America are done so without a Brady background check.
So it’s obvious we need to do something immediately about this problem. Here’s my solution. I’m sure this plan will be fully approved by the National Rifle Association.
It seems like a large amount of these acts are committed by gang members, thugs and/or morons with a few otherwise upstanding citizens joining in just because they own a gun and already dropped a dime on the ammo. I’m not a math genius but based on the” everyday math program” my kids get taught at their school, Our Lady of Perpetual Hypocrisy, that’s only a 30% success IE. kill rate. While we are proud to be making strides in our kill ratio, it’s still an appalling “Shooting Percentage”. Even my old man basketball group shoots a better percentage than that in our weekly games.
We need to take action right away. We cannot arrest our way out of this epidemic of violence. Therefore, I propose that all public & private schools (funded by state lottery proceeds) will introduce a new class curriculum based on U.S. Navy Seal sniper training. As any go-getter parent will tell you, you have to get the kids started early so they get into Harvard. Therefore, I’m recommending the class starts when a kid turns 3 years old. The prerequisite class will be “Shooting Accuracy, How to End the Violence 101”. If we can train these shooters to be more accurate, say even a 40-50% increase, we will soon run out of shooters and thus bring the problem of gun violence down to a minimum with a bonus of freeing up the jails and the justice system.
In addition to the gun training in order to alleviate the other big problem, noise pollution, we will add these other classes. I believe in business they call it a “Win Win”? Here they are listed below.
· Bow and Arrow, The Art of the Silent Kill 101, by Katniss Everdeen.
· Cross Bow and Arrow 101, By Daryl Dixon
· Sword Fighting for the Unskilled -101, By Hattori Hanzo
· Knife Skills, Let’s Get Cooking 101. Technique’s by Lorena Bobbitt
· Sneaky Strangulation Techniques 101, Video introduction by Drew Peterson
· Beat Down, The Art of Pummeling 101. Demonstration by Ray Rice.
In an extremely benevolent gesture, the NRA, U.S. Archery Association, Knife Wielders of America, Errol Flynn Family Fund, Domestic Violence Perps Anonymous and the Society of Serial Killers have agreed to donate all weapons and instructors. After successful completion of the curriculum, you will be able to keep your weapon of choice for immediate use, complements of these groups.
But wait……there’s more! I’m doubling down here just like you do in Las Vegas in order to win big despite the risks in order to snuff out this epidemic. If we hope to eliminate gun violence, the answer is always the same from the NRA. Here are their views as quoted from NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre. "There weren't enough good guys with guns" or “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun,". So basically, more guns and then some more guns. Right on brother Wayne, I’m a good guy, I want a gun! No one is going to take away my “Right” to carry a gun, after all, it’s in the constitution. So agreeing with the NRA’s position, I believe the best way to curb the gun violence and bring back some common decency in the world is to arm everyone with a gun. Here’s the way to do it. Within 1 day of every birth in the U.S.A, that child will be given a government issued gun. The winner of the congressional bribe fest will be awarded the contract to provide all the guns for this government program at a markup of at least 1000% because after all, ripping off the Government is what defense contractors do. So for my purposes, let’s say Colt wins the contract. The best gun suited for this program would be the .44 Magnum Colt Anaconda seen below. It’s powerful, accurate has a cool name, is shiny and goes with almost anything you wear. What more would you want in a gun?
Once issued your gun, there will only be four rules that will apply to its use. They are as follows;
1. You only get six bullets for the course of your life. Once they are gone, you can’t shoot any more people however you can use it to beat them to death if you want.
2. You can shoot anyone you like or should I say dislike without provocation.
3. If you happen to be wealthy, you can buy additional bullets off the poor for the going price at the Bullets for Bullies online store. I mean, after all, it’s a democracy.
4. You must have the gun with you 100% of the time, even in bed and on the crapper.
So there you have it, a foolproof program. Who can argue that we won’t at least be a little more polite to one another if we thought some stranger would spend one of his bullets to put a cap in your ass just because you flipped them off for cutting in front of you on the road. I’m already practicing my Nobel Peace Prize speech. So make room Lama, Mother Theresa, King, Wiesel, Carter, Mandela, Arafat? and the like, I’m coming to join you.
In conclusion, I’m not sure where I heard this catch phrase but let’s “Make America Great Again” by arming everyone to the teeth. God Bless America, unless you’re an Atheist
The Final "Solution" - The Investigation
My blog with the final solution for controlling gun violence really did not go over that well, there was quite of bit of push back. I’m mean sure, readers of Jewish ancestry didn’t like the name at first glance but they will get past that, they are a resilient bunch after all. In a more concerning development, many others did not have the fortitude to embrace the carnage necessary to achieve our goals. I’m a little surprised by this since people have been watching Zombie Apocalypse TV shows and Slasher Movie’s like there’s no tomorrow (Get it?). I really thought with these shows and violent video games, it would have desensitized them by now. I guess not? So I had to take a hard look at my solution to the issue, a self-reflection if you will.
After reviewing my article, I feel as though everything else about the plan is spot on. However, if the shooting accuracy class is a success, I might modify the number of bullets each person gets to just one, two at the most. During my review, I discovered that my account was hacked. (I suspect the NRA or Julian Assange, possibly both). Turns out the hackers removed the photo of the gun that I recommended and inserted their own picture. I now have deleted that gun and reinserted the original picture of the gun that was in the article.
Turns out Smith & Wesson won the bribe fest. Here are the corrected photos of the government issue gun.
This is all brought to you by the influence of the NRA, the bought & paid politicians who whore themselves out to the NRA, voter apathy to remove these politicians, bad or no parenting, and complete lack of conscious of the shooters. What to do, what to do?
In the meantime see below for action steps and/or go to www.bobjoketoomuch.com Merch Emporium to see our exclusive, one of a kind and original gun violence protest shirts. All proceeds go to me since what better way to profit than from the carnage and devastation left behind after gun violence has occurred just like the gun manufacturers.
Here is one of my favorite quotes.
“The activist is not the person who says the river is dirty. The activist is the person who cleans up the river. – Ross Perot
Even though I have the solution to this important issue, if you’re feeling pissed off and decide this is an issue you want to be a “clean up the river” activist. There is no shortage of organizations; I have listed several links below that are trying to do something about it.
CeaseFire - (http://cureviolence.org/partners/illinois-partners/)
CeaseFire Illinois is the Illinois branch of the Cure Violence Organization, which operates in 6 cities throughout the state – Chicago, Maywood, Rockford, East St. Louis, Springfield, and North Chicago/Waukegan.
CeaseFire began in 1995, and after five years of strategy development, had its first program in the West Garfield Park neighborhood where it achieved a 67% drop in shootings and killings. Following four more replications of the new model – averaging a 42% drop in shootings and killings – the work was expanded to 15 communities and in 2004, Chicago had a 25% drop in killings, with a 50% drop in the CeaseFire zones. Since then CeaseFire has been active in 18 communities in Chicago and 7 communities in Illinois. The method has had an extensive multi-year multi-method evaluation supported by the U.S. Department of Justice.
The Illinois Council Against Handgun Violence http://www.ichv.org/
The oldest and largest statewide organization in the U.S. working to prevent the devastation caused by firearms.
Sign our petition calling on the Governor and General Assembly to pass Gun Dealer Licensing.
Click here to sign our petition
Illinois Campaign to Prevention Gun Violence (http://www.iecomm.org/illinois-campaign-to-prevention-gun-violence/)
The Brady Campaign (http://www.bradycampaign.org)
The mission of the Brady organization is to create a safer America for all of us that will lead to a dramatic reduction in gun deaths and injuries.
The Coalition to Stop Gun Violence (http://csgv.org/)
CSGV seeks to secure freedom from gun violence through research, strategic engagement and effective policy advocacy.
Newtown Action Alliance (newtownaction.org)
Newtown Action is an action-based grassroots organization founded by Newtown residents in the weeks after December 14, 2012. We are dedicated to reversing the escalating gun violence epidemic in this nation through the introduction of smarter, safer gun laws and broader cultural change.
States United to Prevent Gun Violence (http://www.ceasefireusa.org)
States United to Prevent Gun Violence is a national non-profit organization dedicated to making our families and communities safer. Our mission is to support state-based gun violence prevention organizations and to bring new partners into the movement.
Everytown for Gun Safety (http://everytown.org)
Everytown is a movement of Americans working together to end gun violence and build safer communities.